Tag: self love

Laying in bed at 4 in the morning I found myself waking yet again, sifting through the escalating thoughts of “Am I doing enough? Why is life so challenging? Why do I keep making mistakes?” …and “Is it all worth it?”

The usual response came! A rush of voices screaming back at me “You have to work hard to succeed! You’re struggling because you’re not doing what you need to be doing yet! You fail because it’s ingrained in you and will never get away from it!” ….and “Why bother?”

And so, the repeated turmoil of my mind as usual, undid all the good work I’d done that day!

Sound familiar?

That particular morning however, the brakes ground on to my destructive mind chatter as my intuitive voice came screaming to the surface like a diver running out of breath and I heard “Wait! What the heck are you doing again?”

Rewind!

18 months previously I met a man and fell in love! “Great” you may say. “How lovely!”

“Yes,” I would reply “It’s like I woke up for the first time and realised who I was. Reflected back from this mighty figure in a 5-foot 5-inch jacket, I saw clearly for the first time in my life that I was worthy to be me!”

Prior to that, (re-wind more so) and to summarise 50 years of my life in a few short sentences (which is insane short story writing to say the least), here goes:

A frightened child in an uncertain world carried a cartload of negative programming with her unknowingly into her young adulthood which attracted what seemed like an uncontrollable roller coaster of bad situations created by poor choices. The crash came when illness struck her down and out of that chrysalis was born a choice — she wanted to live. Struck with that, she opened up and revealed her vulnerability and found her purpose. Helping others get ‘unstuck’ gave her reason enough to live and build a life worthwhile.

Back to now!

What we originally think we are, we are not as we are becoming

On paper my hopes for the future seemed the answer to everything, but it came at a price. Direction, dedication, responsibility, focus, faith, goals, attitude, repetition, strength, structure, learning, mantras, prayer and success were ultimately my driving force.

However, the downside was pressure, vulnerability, fear, anxiety, stress, uncertainty, poor health, relationship difficulties and addictions.

So, I stuck all the last paragraph’s words in a box and marked it FAILURE!

But that box inevitably opened to taunt me when I least expected it and eventually something shifted in me enough to get a glimpse into my possible authentic self and not the one I thought I was sculpting from the limited self-belief of my past!

Relationships are the most extraordinarily diverse experience we can ever encounter. Each one of us can act completely differently in front of different people, all be it perhaps with slight adjustments to our mannerisms, but we speak and reflect back a completely different language to every single person we encounter.

Hence why when we look at how relationships and business are linked, we start to understand ourselves more so when we start to attract authentic people and situations and from that our true purpose and nature comes alive.

What I’d been playing around at through the formative years of my consultancy work helping clients, was merely a shadow of me. I genuinely thought I was being true to myself, but still lived in a world of relative fear and had come to accept that that just might be the best I should expect. I justified it by rationalising that at least it wasn’t the fear that I had once lived, but it was still fear (all be it residual), which I carried around with me in a rucksack strapped to my back, which corrosively spilled into my thoughts at night and undid all that I was trying to achieve, to live the life I really wanted.

Relationships are mirrors to our soul’s growth

Relationships, after the initial attraction are to help us learn something about ourselves. The mirror that I met in my relationship transported me into the land of ‘possibility’ to see my essence. For the first time I discovered self-acceptance which inevitably triggered self-worth and self-love. I didn’t have to learn how to love myself, it just awoke in me like I’d been semi awake for years. And this was only the start.

As I faced myself, I feared how people would judge me. The more vulnerable I became as my authentic self was emerging, instead of feeling the celebration of my liberation, I tried to shut it down through fear of failing, so I suppressed and controlled it. I was growing inside and out but losing my joy.

I saw joy disappearing but was so desperate to hold onto the ride of expanding into my newly emerging me, that I thought by accepting that loss for the sake of keeping everything keeping on keeping on, it would return when I was less ‘busy being busy.’

So, that morning when my habitual thoughts yet again woke me with “But I’m still sick, so what must people think? I’m a failure!” myintuitive voice came through loud and clear with “Failure? Of course you’ve failed! You were meant to. But you’ve judged failing as an ending and not about acceptance and therefore growth.”

Failure is consequential and not emotional

My intuition was right! I saw failure as an emotion, not a consequence of my actions! I saw it through judgement of not being where I thought I should be instead of reward for my newly emerging self and expanding self and business. My self-worth button had only been partially on until my intuitive voice finally spoke clearly to me “Oh….so finally you’re listening to me then?”

I hadn’t realised that by the business of doing and creating a wonderful new life, I had suppressed joy in order to channel everything into what I thought was succeeding! After experiencing adversity, it’s natural to have your foot fully on the accelerator when it feels like you’ve a chance to flee for the hills in the opposite direction. As soon as I saw my life becoming what I’d always wanted, I left joy behind in order to keep control! That morning, my intuitive voice gave me permission to go back and collect part of me that I’d left behind and return to my current location as my whole accepted and authentic self.

I then challenged my nagging mind so that I didn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to do my daily yoga, chanting, affirmations, walk the dog, social media, emails, network building and admin, get aligned to my purpose, post my inspirations, make sure I’ve got food for the family for the evening, the washing, unblock the shower plug and re-do my ‘to do’ list of all the ever growing things I need to achieve to get there…………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead, I got up out of bed and crept downstairs so as not to wake the family and opened my lap top to write. It felt like I was a kid who’d sneaked down to open her presents before anyone else woke up on Christmas morning.

It was a light bulb moment for me! What was the purpose of living my purpose if I didn’t honour the thing I loved to do more than anything else in this world? I realised then that I didn’t need and have never needed permission to be in my joy. Writing is my bliss so why had I slipped into only writing when asked to serve my business?

Where no joy exists, passion fades!

Writing is my business, more importantly it’s part of my purpose and most of all, it’s my passion.

I made a pact that morning to no longer see my purpose as business driven but to accept and fully embrace the emotional side of my business. Even writing this article is like sitting on a tranquil island beach, listening to the waves kiss the shore line…and that is utter heaven to me. So why have I put this on hold, why have I denied my joy? It was simply fear!

Stepping back, I now give myself permission to finally allow the wonderful people I have in my life to ‘fully’ support me and ‘trust’ my business growth will emerge authentically. I also give myself permission to fully immerse my whole vulnerable, emotional, passionate and joyful self to bathe in all its glory.

Now, no matter what life throws at me, joy is my ultimate goal and everything created then will therefore be the right outcome.

“Vulnerability leads us to fear less and love more!” — Amanda Hart

If this article resonates with you and you’d love to work with me, you can find out more at: https://www.amanda-hart.co.uk/services/

For a FREE clarity session, or to find out how we could work together for your specific journey then book here: https://calendly.com/amanda-hart/30min

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What people say about Amanda:

“Amanda has an incredible gift, extremely perceptive and a finely honed sixth sense.” Katy, Editor of Top Sante Magazine, UK

“Amanda’s guidance created immediate changes in my life and a testament to her incredible work and her words continue to resonate with me today.” Samantha, Sydney, Australia

“Amanda rescued me from a very dark place with PTSD. I owe Amanda so much and am eternally grateful to her.” Chrissy, Herts, UK

“Amanda helped me to step into a future I thought could never possibly exist.” J Valentine, UK

“Amanda helped me to find my power that transformed my life which continues today.” Fiona, Bucks, UK

“Amanda Hart is a genuine phenomenon.” Kizzi Nkwocha, Publicist, Presenter & Publisher, France

“Amanda leaves you feeling that you have met a truly extraordinary, insightful, highly attuned soul who is connected to a higher purpose.” Amanda, Psychologist, UK

What people say about Amanda’s story in her memoir, ‘The Guys Upstairs’:

“The Guys Upstairs is a brave and beautifully written book.” Jason Figgis, TV & Film Director/Producer at October Eleven Pictures, UK

“A page turner…truly inspirational and admirable.” Estella Arias, Literary Agent, New Chapter Editions, Miami, USA

“Un-put-downable…pacey and brilliantly written.” Adam Bishop, CEO Information TV, UK

“A work ahead of its time.” Dr Arthur Cassidy, Social Media & Celebrity Psychologist & Broadcaster, Ireland

“A power that shines through every page.” Evan Stark, Ph.D., MSW Professor Emeritus, Rutgers University, USA

“Amanda Hart shines a powerful spot light on a hidden epidemic.” DCI Steve Jackson, National Domestic Abuse Co-ordinator, College of Policing UK

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